I have lived my life profoundly affected and crippled by fear. It is one of the most powerful emotions responsible for most of the poor and impulse decisions that I have made to date. I have tried to create complex personal smokescreens to mask that fear wasn’t a factor in decisions or in my behavior. I have proclaimed proudly statements like “That is what is I’m supposed to do”. Or I have dropped the “This is realistic” distraction of a smoke bomb. It has made me a barely functional survivor from personal risk or anxiety, but not part of potential or possibilities that can come from this life. I’m sharing this because maybe you have felt some of these emotions, we will discuss over the next few posts. I share in this post my feelings on this and how it has affected me. The second part will be some of the tools, that have helped me with the fight against fear. I say fight because it is an ever-present demon for me. It does not fully vanish or really diminish in frequency. The third part will be thoughts on combatting the fear that is all around us. I believe the external world uses fear from everything in politics, consumerism, religion, and relationships. The tools will range from inner tools, to systems, and reference points. I will add some video snippets to this topic on IG, YouTube, and on this site so follow me on these platforms.
I have always tried to find an origin or cause for my fear. At some point, I just resigned that I own it and the courage to overcome it. Sometimes I can get a view into where it comes from, especially when I see things from the past. I hear voices from my youth and early life attempting to put me in a variety of boxes. I realize now, that I have been crafting my own stories about these messages. In some cases, the stories evolved to traumas. It is and has been terribly paralyzing. When it comes about, it can overtake any other emotion and the reaction to it dominates all thoughts for long stretches.
I put all of this the context that I understand where I am and my personal concept of fear. I don’t have killer drones overhead ready to reign terror on me. My water is good (I think). I live in a country that is not being attacked by its neighbors (at least not with weapons). Despite this hierarchy of perspectives, I still feel it and my heart pounds when it enters my thoughts. My first reaction when I feel it (I think this is a product of where I grew up) is an unbridled raging anger. I surmise that this anger is inward, but I know it fully projects outward. That outward anger is manifested not just in words, but in demeanor and action. Then there is the cycle of cynicism, sarcasm, withdrawal, and indifference that become the suite of emotions that join the dance. I am proud that now, I know my cycle and it can help me deploy the cycle of remediation. That process is faster, but it still exists, and I feel the poignant stings of each marker in the process. I will talk more about this in the next post and you won’t have to wait long for that. Thanks, and I really appreciate you reading this. Fight your fear and live your full life.